A Shore Thing.

March 25, 2011 § Leave a comment

Jersey Shore isn’t all fucking & punching. Or rather, when it is fucking & punching—which it is, a lot—it’s also so much more. It’s in those hair-pulling, nail-breaking, guys-in-black-shirts-coming-out-from-behind-the-cameras moments that the crew’s core values are on display. I spent most of last night thinking about this, & I’m pretty sure I’ve come to a pretty comprehensive understanding of the Shore situation.

Worst Things You Can Do at the Shore

* Be fake. In the Shore-world, this is by far the heaviest thing you can level at someone. As far as I can tell, almost every dubious behavior falls into this category. Talking behind someone’s back? Fake. Wanting to ditch the club? Fake. Having a strong opinion about anything that anyone anywhere in the house disagrees with: Fake. Not fake: kissing two girls at once; tanning; boobs, ever.

* Anything that has to do with digits. There’s no way that something that begins with digits is going to end well for anyone. Either 1) your already-suspicious boyfriend/girlfriend is waiting to use your digit-scoring as the last shred of evidence that you’re dogging them & will proceed to passive-aggressively torture you until your self esteem is reduced to rubble & you realize you just totally, totally love & can’t live without them, or 2) you’re single so you call the digits at 6am after a long night of dodging grenades just so she can come over & ask if you want to snuggle & maybe some stuff over the shirt but nothing more because she’s Catholic, & you fall fitfully asleep wondering why there can’t be, like, area codes that indicate who’s DTF. One way or the other, the digits are going to end up in a notebook—because who keeps their numbers in cell phones anymore—that your future boo will find & break up with you over.

* Miss family dinner. I don’t know what kind of manners your parents taught you, but in my house if we missed family dinner our parents would go out to the club, get shitfaced, trash-talk us all night, & come back with a couple of moderately attractive chicks but be too drunk to make anything happen other than picking a fight with us for missing family dinner. There’s a little bit of a silver lining here, though, because if you miss family dinner, you definitely don’t have to do dishes when the bi-monthly dish-doing day rolls around.

* Not do you. Seriously. When someone says “You do you,” you do it. Consequences of not doing you include getting punched; being called that nasty C-word & getting so drunk & depressed you sleep with the guy who called you that anyway; having to listen to Pauly D. yell “CABS ARE HEEE-UHHH!” for the rest of your life.

All That Said, Some Things the Shore Crew Will Never Accuse Each Other Of

* Being pseudo-intellectual

* Not giving the wine a chance to breathe

* Having a liberal bias

* Hogging the Sunday crossword

* Making a unilateral decision to replace the duck phone

* Not being born that way

* Insider trading

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